Good Shit: Stabler and Benson at the Dog Park
Thursday, March 1, 2012 at 10:45AM Mrs. G. The real life version of the two in this video hang out at Mrs. G's dog park. Their dog's name is Ezra and they are always talking about Ezra's safety zone, which does not include Chewie's ass because Ezra is a serial humper. Chewie, nadless, asexual, a romantic, whatever -- clearly not interested -- just falls to the ground and thinks of England.
While Ezra, in his goose down doggie coat and Italian leather collar, humps away and thinks of his future on Wall Street.
Now Mrs. G. knows humping is normal dog behavior, dogs will be dogs and all that, but after the first couple of times, she usually asks the couple (who, like Ezra, appear to have a safety zone, a safety zone which encircles only their needs) to get Ezra off Chewie. They either ignore her or give her a brief overview of healthy canine sexuality, but they usually just ignore her. Mrs. G. used to be nauseatingly amenable to everyone and their dogs when she first started going to her local park but now that she's been a regular for over a year, she's gone a little Scarface in her approach to people who let their leetle freends treat Chewie like a submissive dumb ass, because he is a submissive dumb ass, he's Mrs. G's submissive dumb ass, the most gentle, guileless and kindhearted of submissive dumb asses.
So, now, when Ezra's owners refuse to deal with their dog, Mrs. G. walks over and gently shoves lifts Ezra off Chewie and walks Chewie over to the other side of the park, where inevitably Ezra runs like hell and his owners stroll over and join them.
As if in some weird attempt to bond with Mrs. G, Ezra's female owner asks Mrs. G. if she has ever had Chewie groomed. "Actually, yes I have, many times." Mrs. G. confirms. "In fact he was only groomed three weeks ago."
Hmmm..."she'll say, looking at her husband. You know her type, the type who actually notices when you are wearing your shirt inside out. "You should check out our groomer. Ezra was so devastated by his first experience we now have someone who comes to our home and grooms him in his safe place."
"Chewie likes his groomer, Keith. And like I said, he was just groomed three weeks ago."
"I see," she says, not seeing, because...
Chewie has hair issues...
that are a challenge even for his beloved groomer. It grows fast and wigs out into corkscrew curls. The bad news is brushing does not help.
The good news is it doesn't keep him up at night.
The truth is when Ezra and his owners walk into the dog park, Chewie and his owner walk out of the dog park.
But Mrs. G. fantasizes as she often does about better, more just solutions. Her favorite is this one:
In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially hanus. In Seattle, Washington, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Canine Victims Unit. These are their stories.
Cha Chung
Yes, of course, it's just a dreamy dream. But as the amazing Terry Pratchett once said, “Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can."
Bike on, sisters, bike on.
Family, Mental, Pop Culture
Reader Comments (38)
Oh Terry Pratchett how I love thee. (Have I mentioned he is local?)
Yes humping is part of the dog social vocabulary, it is about setting the social strucure HOWEVER it is NOT good manners to just keep on going. Once is enough. Someone needs to get in there with a big stick and beat some sense into Ezra's people.
Love this post! And I hadn't seen the show...may have to look for it now!
Chewie! I think your wigged out hairdo look just fabulous. Who names their dog Ezra anyway?
EZRA! Prententious, MOI? :)
Oh poor sweet cuddly Chewie I luvs you.
Thanks for letting me start my day with a laugh. Hugs to the adorable and darling and cute-as-a-button Chewie.
That's as bad as dealing with aggressive-kids-on-the-playground issues. Good grief!
Darling Mrs. G:
You'll want that to be "heinous," not "hanus."
And yes, doggie humping is the order of the day at the dog park here too.
OH NOES> Were you making a play on "anus"? ::feeling stupid::
Even if I had not read the text of the post, the pictures of Chewie are priceless! He is adorable with his "wigged out hair"!
Ezra's people need more than a clue! Geez! Wonder how they would react if the hump were reversed?!!!
I love Chewie!!!
We take Jack to a dog park, and he generally gets along fine with everyone. Only once did he encounter an overly dominant dog. The thing about Jack, though, is that if another dog is trying to hump him, he just stands there and smiles indulgently. Usually, it's the humping dog's owner who is mortified.
Oh - and I love Portlandia. Hilarious.
"hanus" and "Noagra"...it took me a minute but it was worth the wait for the laugh!
Aunt Snow, I love Portlandia too.
Chewie is handsome.
Apparently bully dogs, like bully children, come from bully parents.
Your mind is not normal and I mean that as a compliment. I'm never going to be able to watch Law&Order SVU again without thinking of the canine unit. Woof.
"Your butt is as safe as a Dunkin' Donuts at midnight." I think I'll have to share this line with my police officer husband. He likes a fresh spin on a cop/doughnut joke. He hasn't lost his sense of humor about his job yet.
While not downplaying the annoyingness of the issue, at least Ezra is humping the right end. My friend's dog Edgar needs some anatomy lessons as he was humping the wrong end of the neighbour's dog Suzie. My nine-year-old, Rachel, watched for a second, and then said, "Edgar's a playah", which cracked me right up, because I don't think she knows what it means.
Ezra's owners need a swift kick. First for not removing Ezra from Chewie's nether parts, and second, for being all passive-aggressive on the grooming issue. Idiots.
And I love the word 'hanus', truly, I do.
Terry Pratchett is one of my favorite writers!
Chewie is so cute. I don't think he's a dumbass but it's true he doesn't look like he has important issues on his mind. He's kinda got a surfer dude vibe.
Alison, your daughter sounds like my kind of girl. This I can tell you: heads would roll if Ezra ever humped Chewie's head. I'm going to have this image in my mind for the rest of the day.
Lo, Chewie is kind, loving, friendly to all but, no kidding, not terribly bright.
With the corkscrew curls and the laid back attitude, Chewie may just be a Rastafarian. You might remind Ezras parents that those dudes were the original gangstas on the few occasions when they came down off their high. (See: The Harder They Fall for notes.)
Love pterry... And Hanus made me laugh SO much! Chewie is adorable just the way he is. My pup had a bit of humping going on, so the trainer told me that as soon as he starts making a move, I should grab him (lift him up, supporting his chest, but don't support his bum so he dangles a bit) and turn him towards a wall (or away from the other dogs/play activity) and say "timeout!" He learned very quickly to not hump. You could suggest to Ezra's owners that they do this. ;)
I kind of want to punch Ezra's mom in the mouth. Also? "Ezra?" WTF, lady. That's the worst dog name ever.
I would totally watch that show. And Chewie has gorgeous hair. Ezra's mom is just jealous.
I would bet the farm that they have no children. I admire how you are able to rise above the crap that people can dish out. It's a shame that I don't live closer. My 95 lb smart as a whip doberman could protect Chewie's nether regions and scare Ezra and his parents just with his presense, no humping necessary.
Oh Mrs. G you are just too nice. I would have drop kicked their dog, well, maybe not drop kicked, but kicked, well, lifted off with my foot - geez. So glad my dog is too anti-social for the dog park.
N and Em's Mom, I don't think it counts as rising above it when you come home, write scorching commentary and mentally create a Sexual Canine Unit but thank you for thinking nicely of me.
Now I know why you like my hair: the color is different but the issues are the same -- untameable.
"Your butt is as safe as a Dunkin' Donuts at midnight." I am already a fan of this new show and would be happy to write some of the animal justice scenes. First up would be the scene where I dump my overpriced cup of Fourbucks over the passive-agressive owner's heads... or expensive shoes... or something. I'm envisioning a friend's Doberman (which pees like a racehorse) lifting his leg on them and/or their dog.
I might have anger issues. Do NOT mess with my friend Heather or her beloved Chewie!
This just blows my mind. I had a dog growing up, everyone had a dog; but none of them had issues, none of them had safety zones, they were just DOGS. After dealing with tight-wound parents over the past 20 years of raising kids, I don't think I could do it all again with puppies.
But Chewie sure is cute. And I think we all can empathize with the hair issues.
'EZRA'? Well, if you name your dog Ezra, you have to expect weirdness.
Safety zone? Relentless humping? Sounds like what Chewie needs is a safe word. Like cocoa.
Chewie is adorable and he looks very well groomed to me. People like Ezra's owners are the reason I avoid dog parks.
Ezra? That explains everything. I fear for his future brothers T.S. and Yeats.
Hilarious. And I love aphrodite's suggestion. One good offering-of-unsolicited-advice deserves another!
That was beyond awesome.
And your dog is so freaking adorable I'd hug him and I'm not even that into dogs.
I'm envisioning "Best in Show," the dog park edition. Now, with more smackdowns!
This is just one more reason I can't handle a dog right now (even though the kids are BEGGING and I'm the meanest mom ever because I keep saying no.) I have enough of a complex dealing with the "friendly" comments from other parents, like, "It's so great that you let your daughter pick her own clothes." (I choose my battles carefully and clothes are low on the priority list.)
I think writing scorching commentary is a perfectly acceptable way of dealing with this horny dog and this clueless owners.
Who names their dog Ezra anyway?
Chewie is GorgeOUS!!! I would get a squirt bottle, and fill it with half water, half lemon juice, and when little Ezra starts the hump game squirt him in the eye....If he learns that it stings when he does it, he will stop humping soon enough. At least he will stay away from Chewie. Poor guy.
Or, you could fashion a diaper for Chewie, with a big spikes sticking out the back side....one hump and it would all be over... LOL! I'm thinking biker leather spikes maybe....Ha!
Excellent work, Mrs. G. and Chewie is too adorable for words.
Get your groomer's card and keep it handy in your pocket.
Next time she asks about Chewie's grooming, look from HER dog, up to her face, and back again once more, with that horrified-but-questioning wrinkle of your eyebrows with which you'd look at her FEET if she'd just walked out of the restroom with the lost pantyliner stuck to her shoe.
Then offer her the card with a VERY sympathetic look-and-sigh. Maybe even a little lip-cluck. Then walk away, even if you have to drag Chewie with Ezra attached.
my spayed female mini labradoodle tries to hump the cat. what's up with that? I didn't know that females had the urge to hump. she must be a very liberated female. Chewie is beyond cute and I just want to snuggle up with him.
@AngAK - it's usually a dominance thing, especially in females and neutered males. Also it can be a learned behaviour...