Previously on Bigger Love...New Episode Saturday!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012 at 9:32PM Mrs. G. Episode 82: Welcome to the Neighborhood (originally posted April, 2011)
Three Februaries ago, Mrs. G. watched a marathon session of HBO's Big Love and wondered if the premise of this show would work if the roles were reversed. Mrs. G. wondered if viewers and critics would respond as enthusiastically to a show about one woman with three husbands. A show, for instance, called...
Bigger Love. So she wrote a pilot and the response was overwhelming. Episodes 41 and 55 and 66 were warmly embraced as well.
The world seemed ready for a show about Mrs. G and the three hot husbands who serve her every need. HBO, call her.
In the last episode, Mrs. G. and her husbands were suffering the effects of a stagnant economy. Mrs. G. was compelled to let their manny, Colin Firth, go. Brad was forced take on the lion's share of the child care which wore him down and provoked him to briefly leave the marriage to date Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.
In this week's episode, Mrs. G. and her husbands are enjoying more prosperous times due to Mrs. G's entrepreneurial spirit and revolutionary decision to launch a franchise of lingerie and intimate apparel boutiques geared toward the larger woman called:
The business immediately took off and Mrs. G. was able to once more hire manserfs help and move her family to an upscale, gated community in Seattle, a community of upstanding, patriotic citizens.
And then things went wonky.
It all started when this guy moved into the neighborhood with his gold threaded caftans and pointy hats. The neighbors were fairly certain he was Catholic and, good grief, they all knew what Catholics were capable of, what with their crazy catechism, body and blood of Christ schtick and arbitrary abolishment of Limbo. They were all up in arms and Patty, the welcome lady, refused to deliver a loaf of her famously delicious zucchini bread to this interloper's door. Really, who did this guy think he was waltzing into the neighborhood as nice as you please? What, did he think this was a free country? Think again, Padre.
But then Mrs. G's gardener reminded the Home Owners Association that not all Catholic clergy were pedophiles, predators sheltered from criminal conviction by upper management. "Settle down," he suggested, "You can't throw out the baby with the bath water." He pointed out that the Catholic church, with over a billion members, is the world's largest Christian church, comprised mainly of good people, true servants of Christ.
Six weeks later Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist church in Topeka, Kansas moved into the hood. The neighborhood, again, went nuts. As if the Catholics weren't enough to deal with, now, Mother Mary, the Baptists were in town. Aren't they the ones who aren't allowed to dance or cut their hair? No, no, no...they're the snake handlers. Hold up. That's the Pentecostals.
"Chill out!" yelled Mrs. G's manny when the neighbors ignited their torches, "True, Phelps and his hateful conviction that gays are responsible for all the world's ills--from eterminating family values to the monopolization of the cable companies--is a one man moronathon, but he is just one derailed, cuckoo bird Baptist." He pointed out that the Baptist church has approximately one hundred million members worldwide (Mrs. G's grandmother was one of them), mainly comprised of good people, true servants of Christ.
Side note: Mrs. G. frequently suffers from insomnia; she highly recommends hiring the undead for night time activities like assembling jigsaw puzzles...and such.
Holy hell, here come the Mormons. Glen Beck and his crocodile tears rolled into town and bought a craftsman style house and immediately secured it with a juiced fence to electrocute liberals. Mormons! Mormons and their sacred underwear, cryptic temple rituals and three heavens.
Mrs. G's pet sitter encouraged their neighbors to take a deep breath. Mrs. G. reported that while she understood objecting to Glen Beck as a human being, she thought painting all Mormons as fear mongerers with an unusual affection for chalk boards was small minded, unfair.
Even if one of their flock manipulates the Constitution and likes to write in code.
Again: Mormons, good people, true servants of Christ...minus one.
Within months Mrs. G, her husbands and her staff left their upscale, gated community of upstanding, patriotic citizens. They couldn't deal with the stereotyping, religious intolerance or the huffy, overwrought neighbor who knocked on their door one sunny March afternoon and ordered them to remove their Christmas wreath. Mrs. G. has always viewed neighborhood covenants as as another word for, "Oh yeah? Watch me."
In an unexpected, clearly divine turn of events, Johnny returned from Paris a changed man: more deeply in love with Mrs. G. and a convert to Islam, the world's second largest religion. He insisted the rumors of his lalalalalala wife and children were just that: rumors. Johnny returned to his true inamorato, his true paramour and his country of origin hoping most of his fellow Americans could overcome their bigotry by distinguishing between people who murder in the name of Islam and those who practice its peaceful teachings.
Side note: Dear Mr. President and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid: grow a pair.
And reacquaint yourselves with the First Amendment.
Mrs. G. and her family moved to Manhattan in search of a competent bagel and to, ideally, worship whomever and however they wish...
in peace.
Bigger Love, Ficciones, Mancake, Pop Culture
Reader Comments (101)
...& the love just keeps getting bigger & BIGGER! :)
Can't wait for your next installment, Mrs. G!
Mrs G, I am already married to the perfect woman, but could you use a volunteer baker? I am magic with flour :)
Right on! Your humorous take on such a serious subject will be the bright spot of my day. Emailing to all my peeps. I have a thing for your pet sitter.
I hope NY does the right thing too. As a Muslim I thank you for this beautiful post and the beautiful men in it. Hello world, we're not all terrorists. There are over a billion of us in this world and we are tired of being compared to eleven extremists.
I live for these. Nice message and nice household help additions.
Mark Ruffalo. How did you KNOW???? There just aren't words.,
LOVE it in a BIG way!! You rock Mrs. G!
Oh and I am from Kansas, please move Phelps anywhere.
@Heather W.: I am also from Kansas. Oh lord. Fred Phelps. He uses his GRANDKIDS in his protests. Children holding up signs that say "god hates fags." Lordy lordy.
Another hilarious installment! And I do so agree. I mean, what the hell?! I read an article in the New Yorker about the mosque. I can't remember everything, but mosque is supposed to have a 9/11 memorial inside of it. Also, lets remember that muslims preach non-violence. It's only the extremist that get crazy--key word, "extremists." This is the US people! Everyone should have the chance to build wherever they want, as they long as they have the correct permits. Geez!
Can we come up with some sort of arrangement where we share your former manny (Colin Firth! *swoon*) and your current pet sitter? I mean, can they be rented out? That'd be terrific!!
And I am in total agreement of your message...our Democratic leaders need to grow a pair. Religious freedom FTW!
I love happy endings.
Oh, Mrs. G, you wild thing. You make my heart sing.
Love this new installment! Grow and pair, indeed! And while they are at it, they could Get a Grip!
heh heh heh
you made my evening just a whole lot better.
thanks.
"bigger love".....love that!
Well, thank goodness for the gardner, the manny, and the pet sitter! Their love truly is bigger! (And is that the manny's left thumb in the tub photo or, uh, what? The picture is too small to see clearly. Or I need a new contact prescription. Or my mind naturally goes to the wrong places.)
Now, I must mention in case you didn't know that F.P. and his crew troll the internet looking for mention of their names. I have been to their website. (Only check it out if you have a very strong stomach.) They get their jollies off of people mocking and criticizing them. Why? Because they're sick bastards without a shred of sanity left. Since seeing that, I avoid using the family or church name. They seriously see each little bit written against them as some kind of confirmation that they are doing their god's (not to be confused with the true God's) work.
Unfortunately, having to hear about idiots like F.P. and gang is the price (and a small one in comparison) we pay freedom of speech and religion. Although at times I wish someone would just shoot him, I realize that his rights must be upheld as much as anyone's. We don't want to start down the slippery slope of deciding who deserves the liberties guaranteed by The Constitution. Which is also why no one should try to prevent a mosque being built two blocks from ground zero or anywhere else. Well, that and the fact that not all Muslims are terrorists or to be blamed in anyway for 9/11. Not that I'm comparing Muslims and the WBC in any way (!!!) other than that, no matter your feelings about either, we must defend the constitutional liberties of both or risk giving up our own.
Amen sister!
Love the newest installment of Bigger Love!!!
This was funny as crap! I especially loved the chalkboard! You have sent me to bed with a smile!
That is some funny stuff Mrs. G.
Loved it! I've missed the BIgger Love Installments. I have a thing for the gardener too! He could weed my garden any time!!
@Jenni in KS....the comment about the manny cracked me up. HA HA!
Oh how I wish i could buy the property next to where this proposed mosque will be built so i could open up "Cajun's House of Pork". I would fry bacon and barbcue ribs 24/7! I have rights too!
Katherine, you know if you did that it would be fine with the people who the community center will serve. New Yorkers are used to living with people of other cultures. New York Muslims encounter Sabrett carts on every corner without a thought.
Although I doubt your imagined efforts would have the effect you intend, I have to wonder at someone who would make such a dedicated effort simply for the purpose of offending other people.
Dubious claim to fame: Mr "I Need Lithium" graduated from the school where I teach.
And, Amen, sister. Preach it.
Sing it Sister! Love you Mrs. G! Grow a pair is right.
Katherine, they probably already have one. All things "bacon" are huge now in NYC. The other day, I saw bacon marmalade in a gourmet shop. Nasty.
I am sooooo tired of all the haters and wish they would read John Rawl's Theory of Justice. HIs idea of the" veil of ignorance" is simple and just.
This last weekend I took a photo of the New York State Supreme Courthouse just blocks away from the proposed mosque. Carved in it's edifice are these words: "The True Administration of Justice is the FIrmest Pillar of Good Government". George Washington coined that phrase.
Wonderful episode, Mrs. G. and the breakfast mancake was yummy. I am just coming unglued at this assault on freedom of religion. It boggles my mind that the people who scream most about patriotism seem to have little regard for the founding principles of this country. (Although I have a quibble with referring to "the mosque" as it is a community center with a prayer room.)
@Katherine, feel free to worship bacon wherever you choose. That is the friggin' point.
Woo hoo. I know, right. What is the BFD.
Chalkboard Good!
What a fun and clever way get your viewpoint across! I will never understand how these attacks on people's livelihoods and beliefs fit in with what the attackers themselves supposedly believe.
I'm going to say what I suspect many of your readers want to say: this post is a piece of shit. It's not PC to say this but a good part of the Muslim religion WANTS TO KILL AMERICANS. If the people of NY don't want a Muslim Mosque, excuse me "community center" near Ground Zero that is their business. I am off to erase you from my reader.
I'll move to Manhattan if I can live in a small shed on your compound of gorgeous men! Ruffalo is an excellent addition.
I'm with Former Reader. Scatch me off the derfwad list. Shame on you!
It is too bad that everyone can't see the illogic of listening to and answering to all the craziness out there. And it isn't even a mosque being built - it is a community center. (Someone called it a YMMA.)
Love it that the Bigger Love family gets it!
I heart you Mrs. G and I heart your latest episode, too!
Thank for this post. I strongly believe that if don't allow this mosque to be built where they want to build it, then we are no better than the terrorists.
A humble reminder that the following Muslims were also victims of the 9-11 attacks:
Samad Afridi
Ashraf Ahmad
Shabbir Ahmad (45 years old; Windows on the World; leaves wife and 3 children)
Umar Ahmad
Azam Ahsan
Ahmed Ali
Tariq Amanullah (40 years old; Fiduciary Trust Co.; ICNA website team member; leaves wife and 2 children)
Touri Bolourchi (69 years old; United Airlines #175; a retired nurse from Tehran)
Salauddin Ahmad Chaudhury
Abdul K. Chowdhury (30 years old; Cantor Fitzgerald)
Mohammad S. Chowdhury (39 years old; Windows on the World; leaves wife and child born 2 days after the attack)
Jamal Legesse Desantis
Ramzi Attallah Douani (35 years old; Marsh & McLennan)
SaleemUllah Farooqi
Syed Fatha (54 years old; Pitney Bowes)
Osman Gani
Mohammad Hamdani (50 years old)
Salman Hamdani (NYPD Cadet)
Aisha Harris (21 years old; General Telecom)
Shakila Hoque (Marsh & McLennan)
Nabid Hossain
Shahzad Hussain
Talat Hussain
Mohammad Shah Jahan (Marsh & McLennan)
Yasmeen Jamal
Mohammed Jawarta (MAS security)
Arslan Khan Khakwani
Asim Khan
Ataullah Khan
Ayub Khan
Qasim Ali Khan
Sarah Khan (32 years old; Cantor Fitzgerald)
Taimour Khan (29 years old; Karr Futures)
Yasmeen Khan
Zahida Khan
Badruddin Lakhani
Omar Malick
Nurul Hoque Miah (36 years old)
Mubarak Mohammad (23 years old)
Boyie Mohammed (Carr Futures)
Raza Mujtaba
Omar Namoos
Mujeb Qazi
Tarranum Rahim
Ehtesham U. Raja (28 years old)
Ameenia Rasool (33 years old)
Naveed Rehman
Yusuf Saad
Rahma Salie & unborn child (28 years old; American Airlines #11; wife of Michael Theodoridis; 7 months pregnant)
Shoman Samad
Asad Samir
Khalid Shahid (25 years old; Cantor Fitzgerald; engaged to be married in November)
Mohammed Shajahan (44 years old; Marsh & McLennan)
Naseema Simjee (Franklin Resources Inc.'s Fiduciary Trust)
Jamil Swaati
Sanober Syed
Robert Elias Talhami (40 years old; Cantor Fitzgerald)
Michael Theodoridis (32 years old; American Airlines #11; husband of Rahma Salie)
W. Wahid
Just to weigh in on the "mosque" thing -- which, as someone pointed out, is not a mosque but a community center. A friend of mine who lives and works in Lower Manhattan says that his neighbors are all okay with it. There is apparently NOT widespread opposition to it IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD which is the only area that matters. They respect freedom of religion and the freedom to rent a property from a landlord who is willing to rent it to you. And by the way, the Muslim group that wants this community center is Sufi. A branch of the Muslim religion that is so different from the extremist fringe that perpetrated 9/11 that to "punish" them for the World Trade Center would be like bombing a Lutheran Church in Germany as retaliation for pedophile priests in a Catholic church in Ireland.
If you think it's bad, try living here in NJ. It's EVERYWHERE. I don't get the hoopla. Religious freedom covers every one not just a select few. Thanks for putting it in a humorous light.
You are so funny I remembered to laugh!
You are every bit as jugmental as this post! So long Mrs. G.
I think you could make millions with that intimate apparel boutique. The title truly represents what I feel when I see my little sad, pitiful underwear options in mainstream stores IF they even carry my size.
Pure genius! I have no idea who your manny is, but this is all very very lovely. You are fantasy-living my fantasy, Mrs. G!
I never thought to blame the gays for the cable television monopoly. Thanks for the many laughs!
Oh, and let me add: I love your version of tolerance, love, and chalkboards. If I could add you to my reader sixty-eleven times to even the balance, I would. Love how you keep it real.
I love this! You are great and I really enjoy your blog. Thanks!
My favorite point was made somewhere yesterday ... 2 blocks away is too close for a Muslim community center but the basement of Ground Zero is the perfect place for a mall? Blech. This is just such a ridiculous issue. Freedom is for all Americans.
Mrs G-
Strangely enough I too have been on a Big Love kick lately thanks to Netflix. I'm fascinated by the concept of polygamy - I mean 3 women???? What? How? That's just insane. But I would indeed like to try having three men and your choices are wonderful. I know I would gravitate toward Matt Damon and the others would be jealous and than even more so when me and the gardner were "gardening" together.
Fabulous post on many levels. Thanks!
I adore you.
Also, Mark Ruffalo. Rowr.
You rock, Mrs. G. Way to bring it, in your own inimitable style.
Entertaining and right on the button, Mrs. G! Another great episode!
Excellent allegory, Mrs. G.-- Disciplined, pointed, clear in its logic, and rich with intelligent implications, humor and mancake. Thanks for the lunchtime lift.
Man oh man, I heart you too, Mrs G. Don't worry about the haters, it's what they do best. I can't think of anything more creative than to ask them to please read the Constitution, and then tell the rest of the class how the freedom to worship can be de-freedomed, just because it upsets you. As for the lingerie store, I just snorted out loud at work and tried to cover it up with a cough - amazing!!